Fly Away, Fly Away Home

I want to flee; I need to fly; I must be frank…Ja’Nee is FREAKING OUT. The husband is working only 24 hours a week, and his pay went from $17.00 to $14.00 an hour. My 32 hour work week went to 21 then to 15 and now 10 hours a week. I have few medical benefits; used up my 2008-2009 vacation hours; and am hitting the snow-covered pavement in an effort to find another job. At the age of 57 I had hoped to gently go into retirement, stay at home to write and get paid for it. The joke is on me. This is a sign of the times and it’s challenging and sad and gives me little hope.

Although gasoline is now $1.49 a gallon, that doesn’t replace our 1972 furnace. Last week the repairman (to the tune of $99) told us to “baby it” as the heating coils are shot and they no longer have the electrical parts for this old of a heater. A new gas furnace runs $5G; an electric furnace runs $2,500 - a no-brainer there. Like some people’s credit card I’m maxed out – the lady is tapped – the woman is stretched – the glass is ½ empty. I don’t care anymore and need to shut down. I have a winter cold making me want to punch a pillow or slap a clown.

I increase my time on the stationary bike and double up on the soy hormone pills. I hum B&D's country tune “Cowgirls Don't Cry” and spend more time in prayer. I paint my fingernails and give myself a facial. I cry, I rant, and I rave. I want to tell the husband I’m out of here, moving to Alaska to live in a one room cabin or flying home to Mom and Dad. I want to scream I can’t take on one more task…I even hate making coffee. Yes, stress is a killer and it can let the air out of your happy balloon and comfortable life. It can shake relationships to the core, and put your healthy habits in the dumpster. But it doesn’t have to win!

Each morning during my prayer time I thank God for our home, family, venison in the freezer and $200 in the savings account. I thank God for the simple beauty that is Montana. As I remember the childhood book about Jesus taking one fish and a loaf of bread to feed thousands of His followers, I know He will provide. It’s Christmas; the time of His birth; the one time of the year we’re to turn our cheek.

My life as Ja’Nee may be a roller coaster; but one thing I have is hope and faith. Sometimes I let fear get in the way, and I promise to work on that.