This One is for Ducky

A recent e-mail from my mom reported that the pool and spa would open May 1 in their complex. I know she has some trepidation due to a particular woman that had visited the pool many times last year wearing next-to-nothing. There is no way on God's green earth to keep my dad away from the water, as he enjoys doing laps and getting his daily dose of California sun. I could suggest she blindfold the man, or perhaps pull his ball cap over his eyes. She could purposely squirt tanning lotion in his eyes; throw a towel over his head; turn his lounge chair in another direction; or tell him to take a nap and let him sleep through all the excitement.

I thought I'd do one better and go ahead and reprint an article originally titled "Thongs Terrify Me" in the hopes she will print it out and post it on the pool gate. I see myself as a dutiful daughter who dotes on her mom and dad, so this one is for them:

My parents live in a senior community and pay a hefty monthly Association fee. This money affords them the use of a lovely pool (by no means Olympic size) and a spa that holds a handful of folks over the age of 55. On more than one occasion my mother has reported a single woman (a neighbor’s granddaughter who does not live in the complex) has showed up poolside wearing inappropriate swimming attire. Yes…a tiny thong bikini or what I like to refer to as butt floss. Even the phrase is distasteful, so from here on out I’ll reference the item as b-floss.

This is a somewhat attractive woman in her early 30’s who wears more than a plus size. Apparently she spills out in front; the sides of the bikini barely keep her mammaries in; and the bottom half – well, this is a PG rated blog so I won’t describe the b-floss back action.

What I worry about is not only my mother’s German temper, but also my Dad’s heart! The majority of the men in this community are over 70, and I can only imagine how many of them are taking Viagra along with their blood pressure medication. When b-floss woman shows up doesn’t she realize she could cause cardiac arrest? Doesn’t she know the men-folk will need to run walk home to take their meds and perhaps a nap? This woman is causing a major health shake up for these kind and distinguished gentlemen. Besides, most of them leave their glasses at home so they can’t see her anyway unless they get up real close…and I doubt the wives would allow that. There is a time and place for a thong bikini. Let’s see: The Riviera, Las Vegas, the Colorado River or YOUR BALCONY. I believe any woman over 200 pounds should wear b-floss in the bedroom after the sun goes down, but that’s just me.

I’m concerned about my parents and want them to have a comfortable and healthy life. So B-Floss Woman, I say this: Next summer wear a larger bathing suit; bring an oversized towel and keep a rather large beach ball behind you. That way tempers will cool and hearts may beat at a normal rate.

For those of you that might think I’m being unfair to plus size ladies HELLO, I’m a size 12/14 and should weigh 10-15 pounds less according to some male physicians. I love Rosie O’Donnell, get a kick out of Roseann Barr, listen to Wynonna Judd every chance I get but that doesn’t mean I want to see them wearing a thong. There is a time and place for b-floss… and a pool for seniors is not high on my list.