Fear & Worry
I picked up my journal today and was shocked to see that the last time I put pen to paper was June 12. That is so unlike me. It's been my habit (for many, many years) to sit down and write 1-5 pages on blank paper each Sunday. Its therapy for me. I guess I've been afraid to write down the good, the bad, and the uncertain. The last few weeks have been butt-ugly and to coin a phrase from Chelsea Handler, I have been a HOT MESS. To be honest, I've been living in fear. Now, let me explain.
I am fearful that my paycheck will arrive late, and once in the bank, it will not cover the household bills that I post-dated. I am fearful that the new hire I'm training at work will not show compassion for the consumers we serve - individuals that are suffering from mental illness. I am fearful that the garden will die - the dog will throw up again, and the cat will dart out the door never to return. I am fearful that after 21 years of marriage I have nothing left to talk about - nothing left to give.
I am fearful that one day soon I will throw up my hands and give up. Fearful that I will drink one too many glasses of wine and speak my truth to the next person that steps on my toes. Fearful that I will say out loud I'm tired of taking care of you, and you, and you...and especially you. For once in my life I would like someone to take care of me. I want to love and win.
Boo-hoo baby and poor pitiful me.
So today, I walked out to the yard and sat down with my fear and worry. I watched the corn sway in the wind and followed the flight pattern of a butterfly. I approached the wild turkeys in the yard, beckoned to them with a "cluck-cluck" of all things, and they responded to me. For that they received bird seed and peanuts. I looked up at the Montana Big Sky and noticed that Alaska Air, and then Delta, were making their approach to Glacier Park International Airport. I stepped into the garden and picked fresh strawberries. I decided not to take them into the house for washing, nor to share with my significant other. I listened to the wind chimes, and the sounds of squirrels and chipmunks. I made eye contact with my dog, then told her how much I loved her.
I took time to breathe and appreciate this life of mine. And I realized that I was not alone in the world, just somewhat lonely. All I can do is try to shake it off the best way I can, and hope for a peaceful tomorrow.
I am fearful that my paycheck will arrive late, and once in the bank, it will not cover the household bills that I post-dated. I am fearful that the new hire I'm training at work will not show compassion for the consumers we serve - individuals that are suffering from mental illness. I am fearful that the garden will die - the dog will throw up again, and the cat will dart out the door never to return. I am fearful that after 21 years of marriage I have nothing left to talk about - nothing left to give.
I am fearful that one day soon I will throw up my hands and give up. Fearful that I will drink one too many glasses of wine and speak my truth to the next person that steps on my toes. Fearful that I will say out loud I'm tired of taking care of you, and you, and you...and especially you. For once in my life I would like someone to take care of me. I want to love and win.
Boo-hoo baby and poor pitiful me.
So today, I walked out to the yard and sat down with my fear and worry. I watched the corn sway in the wind and followed the flight pattern of a butterfly. I approached the wild turkeys in the yard, beckoned to them with a "cluck-cluck" of all things, and they responded to me. For that they received bird seed and peanuts. I looked up at the Montana Big Sky and noticed that Alaska Air, and then Delta, were making their approach to Glacier Park International Airport. I stepped into the garden and picked fresh strawberries. I decided not to take them into the house for washing, nor to share with my significant other. I listened to the wind chimes, and the sounds of squirrels and chipmunks. I made eye contact with my dog, then told her how much I loved her.
I took time to breathe and appreciate this life of mine. And I realized that I was not alone in the world, just somewhat lonely. All I can do is try to shake it off the best way I can, and hope for a peaceful tomorrow.