Swimming Hole

Summer weather is due to appear at any moment in Whitefish, Montana. That may bring a smile to some, but to me it means beach and thong bathing suits. Thongs terrify me.

My husband wants me to believe he doesn’t pay attention to what women wear at the lake, but I still want to blindfold him or pull his ball cap over his eyes. If I were a mean woman I would squirt tanning lotion in his face; throw a towel over his head; turn his chair in another direction; tell him to take a nap or just plain go home.

I hate inappropriate swimming attire. I have issues with tiny thong bikinis also known as butt floss. Even the phrase is distasteful, so from here on out I’ll refer to the item as b-floss.

Women that carry AARP cards apparently put swimming attire on in the dark. They don’t realize their breasts spill out up front and at the sides, and their Charmin soft buttocks are swaying back and forth causing a tremendous amount of b-floss rear action.

Rumor has it that the majority of middle-aged men are taking Viagra along with their blood pressure medication. When a woman walks by wearing b-floss these men could easily suffer from cardiac arrest! If they don’t collapse where they stand, they just might have to drive home to take their meds. Woman of a certain age don’t realize they’re causing a major health issue for many kind and distinguished gentlemen.

There is a time and place for a thong bikini. Let’s see: The Riviera, Las Vegas, the Colorado River. I believe any woman over 200 pounds should wear b-floss in the bedroom after the sun goes down, but that’s just me.

So B-Floss Women, I say this: This year wear a one-piece bathing suit in your proper size; bring an oversized towel and keep a large beach ball behind you. That way tempers will cool and hearts may beat at a normal rate. And if you dare think that I have something against a plus-size woman you need to know that I love Rosie O’Donnell, get a kick out of Roseann Barr, and listen to Wynonna Judd but that doesn’t mean I want to see any of the three wearing a thong to the local swimming hole.

There is a time and place for b-floss…plus my husband isn’t as young as he wants to believe.